From talking on Twitter to our first Yes All Men conversation

On the morning of Saturday 13th March I was in bed reflecting on the awful events of the week with the abduction and murder of Sarah Everard. I like many other men were voicing our concerns about men's violence on social media, but we all know that social media activism alone is not enough. It will not do much to change the day to day realities of women's lives. 

I was also furious that the response from some men - just like we saw All Lives Matter in response to Black Lives Matters - was to say Not All Men. 

We know that men's violence is about all men. Every single one of us. 

And we also know that we as men have to do the work to challenge the sexism and misogyny in our everyday lives. We have to be responsible for our own behaviours and for challenging the behaviours of other men. We have to speak up, sometimes we have to shut up and we have to recognise that however nice we think we are, if we are not actively reflecting on our own actions and seeking to challenge those toxic cultures that hurt, damage, and kill women then we are part of the problem. 

And so I sent a tweet 

'Right fellas, who fancies joining me next Thursday 18th March at 6pm for a conversation about how we can lead, model and create the culture change urgently needed. Talking on twitter won't keep women safe. We need action. DM me if you are up for a conversation' 

Over 120 men responded and about 60 joined us for the conversation. Thankfully Adrian Garcia offered to help and the Speakers Collective hosted the conversation for us. 

Some people asked why it was only for men. How we could talk about women without women being involved and I sought advice from all sorts of people. 

Adrian and I were clear from the outset this is men talking about our behaviours and attitudes. Men talking about cultures of masculinity. Men talking about sexism, misogyny and our role as allies. It is about men leading the change that we as men are responsible for leading so we can be better allies. (or start to be allies depending on our starting point.) 

After a quick introduction and a reminder of the values that underpinned the space,  Anoushka Lucas gave an amazing speech to give her perspective as an anti-racist feminist on why men needed to have conversations about sexism, misogyny, cultures of masculinity and the patriarchy. It was insightful and pulled no punches and she has kindly agreed for us to publish her video which we will be doing shortly. 

We then invited people into breakout conversations to talk about 1. Why they were there 2. What they hoped to give and get from being there and 3. One thing they could do right away to be a better ally to women. 

The second conversation was 'what next - what can we do individually and collectively?'. There were a whole myriad of ideas which some kind folk have volunteered to work through. 

Over the next few weeks you will see the video of Anoushka's speech, some blogs from those who attended with their perspectives and learning; a statement of purpose which is clear about the values that will underpin the work we want to do as a collection of men who have come together. In three weeks time we will be having another conversation where we will be agreeing the actions we want to progress collectively in the months ahead. 

As Peter Gilheany tweeted yesterday I took part in an unusual but very hopeful event early in the week to get men talking about what they could do to tackle male violence. I can count on the fingers of no hands the times I've seen men who don't know each other open up like that. 

It was a privilege to host this first conversation with Adrian. Thank you to everyone who took part and talked openly and honestly, who demonstrated enthusiasm and commitment for change and have volunteered their time to turn our talk to action.      

I hope similar conversations will happen up and down the country. They are much needed. Paul Frampton Calero is already hosting a similar event for men in advertising and marketing. I have been in contact with a group of men in Ireland who are having similar conversations and some of the men at the conversation are also having similar conversations which is brilliant. We will share anything we can to make it easier for people to have these conversations. 

If you want to get involved please do get in touch with us yesallmen2021@gmail.com