Getting Involved by Peter Gilheany

 Getting involved

At a #yesallmen gathering earlier in the summer, I ran a session asking all those who attended to consider answers and responses to two fundamental but difficult questions – what things can we, as men who want to do something to tackle and reduce male violence, actually do, both individually and collectively, and what is stopping us from doing those things?

In a short space of time we covered a lot of ground but I’ve done my best to capture some of the most important points and thoughts that came up. 

First of all, and this was true before the session and since, we can do something very straightforward and powerful by supporting organisations whose focus is on reducing male violence or supporting people who are victims of it. There are too many organisations who need support to list here but well known examples are Women’s Aid, Refuge and White Ribbon.

We started with idea of looking separately at how to raise awareness of the issue and how to tackle or confront behaviour, but we very quickly realised it was a false division so moved on to thinking about things in the round.

Maybe not surprisingly overcoming the inertia and taking the first step, the idea of intervening, challenging behaviour or attitudes, or even taking action was seen as a really significant barrier. However much we might want to believe we are entirely independently thinking and acting human beings, we are hugely influenced by the behaviour and attitudes of the people we surround ourselves with, from friends and family through to work colleagues and even those we affiliate with politically or culturally. For many men, intervening it some way, even at the level of telling a friend that something they have said is not appropriate, requires a serious bit of gumption. 

And on that point, it bangs up against another barrier – that the behaviour we want to encourage runs contrary to what may be perceived by many as manly. There’s a reductive, caustic view of masculinity that sees the only form of legitimate response to male violence being to mete out your own in order to rescue someone at risk of physical harm.

Viewed through that prism, other forms of intervention, such as challenging banter, can be seen as shrill, prissy, beta and, perhaps most cuttingly of all, humourless.

Then there’s that most modern, social media-fuelled fear of intervening or even stating an opinion on something – being accused of hypocrisy.

You want to intervene but you know there is a danger of being called out for past instances where you have done the same thing yourself, or being derided for virtue-signalling. 

These are all barriers related to the fear of consequences, to which you can add the concern about being subject to violence yourself should you intervene in some circumstances.

So, if you want to do something about male violence, how do you overcome these barriers? Here are some of the thoughts that came up in the session. Let’s take the first one – the fear of going against the group or the norm. One simple way to overcome it is to do it outside the group context. If someone says something transgressive, approach them one to one and point it out. It removes some of the pressure from a situation for both of you as it also reduces the risk of them feeling like they lose face if challenged in a group setting. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t intervene in a group setting, and one way of doing that is to temper your intervention with some humour (“Maybe leave that attitude in the 1950s”) or being relatively low key with your response (“hey, that’s not on”).

When it comes to the fear of being seen as unmasculine, being decent is a very powerful, positive character trait, one that is often associated with a type of masculinity. Decency requires you to challenge transgressive attitudes, opinions and actions and we should all want to be decent human beings.

That last point also illustrates a way to overcome the fear of consequences, of being judged or derided or accused of hypocrisy. At its heart is the assumption that those you are engaging with feel the opposite to you, that you are an outrider. That is probably not the case and that in many circumstances, more so if you are with people you identify or have a relationship with, they may well share your feelings on the issue and be glad you have taken the first step and called something out. So, that means thinking positively – what’s the best that could happen?

For hypocrisy in particular, acknowledgement that no-one is perfect, least of all you, is a supremely effective way of disarming that response.

The fear of violence is a different issue, one to which there isn’t a straightforward answer. If someone is being subject to male violence, doing something is important, such as calling the police or asking an authority to intervene but anything further needs to be considered within the specific circumstances of what is happening. However, it is worth remembering that such instances where you are in a position where you need to intervene in such a direct way are pretty rare. You are much more likely to regularly encounter lower levels of transgressive behaviour where the risk of violence to you is much, much lower. These are the opportunities for all of us to do something, to swallow hard and take the first step. It might seem like an insignificant act to you, but multiplied across many people and actions, it can make a major contribution to shifting social norms.

There is another side to consequences. While we might naturally fear the consequences of stepping in, we should really have front of mind the consequences of not doing so – the continuation of a culture that tolerates, normalises and even celebrates male violence. It’s a culture none of us want to be part of, so let’s start doing something to change it.