Joe Jenkins guest blogs for #YesAllMen and reflects on the importance of our personal responsibility in taking action

A few years back, a couple of close friends shared their master plan with me.  They would save enough money to buy some land, away from any major cities or towns; build a small wooden house self-powered by natural resources and tend the land to provide enough plant-based food to both live and trade locally.  Within a few years they would be totally off-grid, no longer complicit in a society they viewed as fundamentally unfair, unsustainable and unsuited to flourishing life. 

I admired the simplicity and purity of their ambition.  They would no longer have to make any compromises in the way they lived, no messy trade-offs, no moral conflict.  They would live lightly on the planet, their individual footprint contained, doing no harm.  And yet they would also be doing very little to change society itself.  The world would continue on its unsustainable path.  My friends could feel satisfied that it wasn’t their fault; but they couldn’t claim to be making anything substantially better either.  They’d left the field of play.  While perhaps no longer part of the problem – they weren’t really part of the solution either.

Recently, I’ve begun to realise a very uncomfortable parallel between my friend’s approach to sustainability, and my own culpability in tackling male violence against women. 

You see, for many years I’ve been assuring myself it’s OK to just not be bad.  To not be sexist, not be misogynistic, to treat women with respect, be considerate in my language and behaviour, to challenge my own unconscious biases so that I don’t unintentionally discriminate professionally or personally.  And unquestioningly never harassing, abusing or committing violence.  All of which surely makes me one of the good guys?  Women are safe around me.  I’d even go so far as to suggest I’ve been a little bit good -  in the workplace where I’ve made deliberate efforts to promote, coach and support women, while ceding platforms to women too; and as a proud father, husband, brother and son, I’ve also always tried to be progressive in my home life – hoping to model for my daughter different expectations of what it means to be a man (than those I’d experienced growing up).

Since the shocking abduction and murder of Sarah Everard, however, I’ve started to appreciate what a low bar I’ve set myself.  All of what I’ve described should be no more than a baseline for men, basic hygiene factors, an assumptive starting point.  Doing no harm is a first principle, yes.  But it’s hardly an ambitious goal.  And it represents the same assumptions as my friend’s plan to move off-grid: that it is good enough to just remove yourself from the field of play, to stop being part of the problem – and absolve yourself of the responsibility to do the hard work that creates real long-lasting solutions.

These thoughts had been playing on my mind as I joined others online to make sense of the moment unfolding around us.  I was angered and frustrated by the men responding defensively and reductively to the conversation, particularly when badged as #NotAllMen.  I understood the desire by other men to seek guidance on how to respond - often surfacing as questions to women like: “what should I do?” – but felt concerned this placed the burden of responsibility on women to identify solutions and tackle issues that were rooted in the behaviour and actions of men.  And increasingly, I worried that I was defaulting myself to performative statements that – while I’d hope well-intended – only served to make me feel better, rather than drive real change.

Simon Blake’s call to action on Twitter (“Right fellas, who fancies joining me …”) could therefore not have been more timely.  I raised my hand with over 100 other men, joining 60 in a first conversation on 18 March – to explore in an open, safe space, what it could mean to be more than just a not-bad man – but an active ally, accepting personal responsibility that men’s violence is about all men.  #YesAllMen. 

And so begins the real work.  It’s early days, and none of us yet know where this might lead us; we all recognise these are first steps, starting with personal responsibility and accountability.  I hope we can help start to reframe the debate: shifting the language from passive to active, from this being viewed as a “woman’s problem” to “a problem for men” – that we are addressing male violence, men’s behaviour, the impact of men on our society.  I also hope we can encourage many more men to join in the conversation and be part of driving the change that is needed, particularly those who are further away from recognising their complicity in enabling, facilitating or failing to challenge male violence.

For each of us, this must start with “I”.  I must accept my own responsibility.  I must make a choice, and keep making a choice, about whether I opt out, leaving the weight with others (mostly women); or to step up and be part of the solution.  In participating in the #YesAllMen collective, I’m choosing to be on the field of play.  To do the work and commit to the change that is needed.  I hope many more men will join us – but whether they do or not, I will keep making that choice to act.

All blogs published on #YesAllMen are the views of the author