The second #YesAllMen conversation took place a few weeks ago. Adrian Garcia reflects.....

On 8th April 2021 around 45 men came together for a second #YesAllMen conversation. Lots of people had been at the first meeting which took place following the tragic death of Sarah Everard. A few others had heard about it from others so with a combination of guests who had some idea of where the conversations might go from the last meeting, and a fair few new faces, we set off. 

As a format at the two meetings we have invited a woman to give a keynote on sexism and misogyny to frame the conversation. Conversations then take place in smaller break outs. 

We were lucky to welcome Julie Bentley who gave a powerful and sometimes uncomfortable speech. Julie has been kind enough to allow me to share the closing statements of this speech here to illustrate where our conversations started. 

“To finish let me say a few words about being an ally. Because we do really need men to step up. But for me it’s in ways that may feel small. I don’t need you to march with placards. I don’t need you to make big public speeches. I don’t need you to wear a feminist T shirt.  I do need you to do the work, daily, consistently, to  stop being a bystander. So often in these mundane daily aggressive, demeaning acts women are subjected to, there are men who witness it but turn a blind eye. Why is that?

 

Is it a fear that you might be embroiled in violence if you raise your voices?

 

Is it concern that you may be over reacting because after all, it was just meant as a joke?

 

Is it a concern that to stand up against sexism and misogyny might bring your masculinity into question?

 

Is it fear, embarrassment, shame?

 

These feel like valuable and important questions for men to talk about together. Because I believe these  acts of stepping forward, challenging, speaking out consistently, applied will contribute to  gradually shift what is currently acceptable in our society into the unacceptable.”

This was followed by three conversations on the following topics:

• What would you include in a pledge for drive changes in men's behaviour? 
• Masculinity, male violence and the need for a National Strategy
• Allyship and Education for Men

The emotional intelligence of the men that I talked to over the next hour and a half; the ideas, the anger that these men feel around misogyny and the normalisation of the daily experiences of women blew me away. Even more so there was a clear understanding that every single one of us was complicit in the misogyny and violence that women have come to see as day to day and we have to do the work. 

Like any other subject open conversation and self realisation are the two basic and necessary steps when seeking social change. #YesAllMen is a platform for all men to consider, discuss and better their attitudes and behaviours. 

There is a lot of work to do very clearly, and while it is far too late, this year, 2021, more and more of us are realising the work we must do with ourselves, our colleagues, our friends, brothers, uncles and fathers. Misogyny and violence against women are male problems that men have a huge responsibility and part in solving. My new friends on zoom, Simon and myself will no longer be bystanders and we will do the work. And we would love for you to come and join us.

I’d like to thank everyone who shared their experiences, the volunteers who have done a huge amount of work already to make sure this work can press forward and most of all Julie Bentley who gave us her time and her story.